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For those of you not well versed in wearing $20 dress pants, there are certain pitfalls you should be aware of. The first and not very surprising side effect of cheap pants, especially those that look and feel like they should cost more, is inaccurate sizing. If you run up in K-Mart and get cheap pants you're likely to get an almost tailor made fit, but the fabric will remind you of an old bowling shirt with pleats. And may I inquire, are all poor people or people who don't care to spend money on dress clothes thought to be Humpty Dumpty in body type? Do the put-upon residents of this Earth only want their pants to be Z. Cavarichi (sp?) in nature? Those pleats are not slimming on you. If you go to a Bushwick, Brooklyn Men's store like I did, you'll likely find pants that are made of superior materials, but sized and constructed at the factory by a family friend with a tequila problem. The environment in which they are sold is not conducive to sticking around and trying things on. You lay out your $20 and hope for the best. Of the two pair purchased, both are about 1.5 to 2 sizes too long, and the one pair feels like I need to find a new way to transport blood from my heart to the lower half of my body. It just dawned on me how much better this post would be if it was an elaborate excuse for why I couldn't get a boner. "It's the waste band!!! I swear, that shit is too tight". I digress. Sizing will always be an issue with cheap pants, but the second, and what at the moment seems like the bigger issue with economy pants is Zipper Failure! My fly is breached. It comes down half way, then there's a chasm, then the remainder of the zipper track. I fear bringing the zipper down into the chasm, as it may never find the track again and I'll have to find my way home strategically holding a NY Post. So I am left to carefully guide the zipper down just short of the separation, then shimmy the pants down, handle whatever business that required my pants be ajar, and slide the low income slacks back up over my hips. It's just no way to operate, and if I am forced into any public restroom that isn't a solo mission, I'm going to catch major heat. A Men's restroom is the center of the homophobia universe. If I creep in and attempt trouser drop at the urinal, let this be my suicide note.
For those of you not well versed in wearing $20 dress pants, there are certain pitfalls you should be aware of. The first and not very surprising side effect of cheap pants, especially those that look and feel like they should cost more, is inaccurate sizing. If you run up in K-Mart and get cheap pants you're likely to get an almost tailor made fit, but the fabric will remind you of an old bowling shirt with pleats. And may I inquire, are all poor people or people who don't care to spend money on dress clothes thought to be Humpty Dumpty in body type? Do the put-upon residents of this Earth only want their pants to be Z. Cavarichi (sp?) in nature? Those pleats are not slimming on you. If you go to a Bushwick, Brooklyn Men's store like I did, you'll likely find pants that are made of superior materials, but sized and constructed at the factory by a family friend with a tequila problem. The environment in which they are sold is not conducive to sticking around and trying things on. You lay out your $20 and hope for the best. Of the two pair purchased, both are about 1.5 to 2 sizes too long, and the one pair feels like I need to find a new way to transport blood from my heart to the lower half of my body. It just dawned on me how much better this post would be if it was an elaborate excuse for why I couldn't get a boner. "It's the waste band!!! I swear, that shit is too tight". I digress. Sizing will always be an issue with cheap pants, but the second, and what at the moment seems like the bigger issue with economy pants is Zipper Failure! My fly is breached. It comes down half way, then there's a chasm, then the remainder of the zipper track. I fear bringing the zipper down into the chasm, as it may never find the track again and I'll have to find my way home strategically holding a NY Post. So I am left to carefully guide the zipper down just short of the separation, then shimmy the pants down, handle whatever business that required my pants be ajar, and slide the low income slacks back up over my hips. It's just no way to operate, and if I am forced into any public restroom that isn't a solo mission, I'm going to catch major heat. A Men's restroom is the center of the homophobia universe. If I creep in and attempt trouser drop at the urinal, let this be my suicide note.
posted by Vince at 11:20 AM
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