The Reptile House

At this point in my stand-up life I do not normally feel nervous prior to shows. My stomach doesn't get weird, and I don't feel antsy. I do however find it necessary to take a crap before every show. I suppose this is some function of nerves although there doesn't seem to be any other physical sign of it being sensory. Now the issue with having to "grow a tail" is that most clubs do not have a separate restroom for comedians, thus forcing me out into the public latrine. This always turns into a covert mission, as the people who have paid to see the show cannot be allowed to view me anywhere near the can. It's amazing the finite details that will cause you to loose face with a crowd and walking out of the stall is just too humanizing. Keep in mind when the public sees me in the crapper they don't know I'm one of the comics normally so it doesn't occur to them until I step on the stage that I'm just a normal old dude, and why would you laugh at some chode who clearly moves his bowels no differently than you and your friends? Of course you and your friends would never use a public "john" and bother with building a nest and all that. Lord knows real live big time comics don't produce solid waste! The Blue Collar Comedy guys collectively have only taken 1.5 shits since hitting it big and both those are related to Ron White's drinking, either that or they finally requested a private port-a-john for all their state fair gigs. I've heard Jesse Popp has a beard and glasses he wears into his pre-show output sessions just to keep the fans at bay. And so it goes.