Ode

Enjoy your 10 blocks Williamsburg hipsters, because everywhere else on earth you're a fucking moron! You've got your little piece of bizarro Heaven on Bedford avenue where the jocks from your high school will never find you. But don't trick yourselves into thinking that dudes wearing jeans where the onlooker can't figure out how they got them over their feet is common place. Those Darryl McDaniel come Harry Caray glasses are so ironically cool, but only between Wythe and Roebling. When living off a trust fund it's important to note that taking a shower becomes a non-issue. Over here in Manhattan II we only like Journey, because it's funny to like Journey (but it sure seems like they're into it). If there's any black folks on Bedford they better damn well look like the guy from TV on the Radio, no exceptions. Coffee shops and boutiques are all that's need to sustain life here. Welcome to nerd Halloween. I'm betting that a large portion of this hipster population got the shit kicked out of them, especially if they had the misfortune of going to public school prior to finding this Shangri-la. Sometimes you spend a portion of your life waiting for somebody to die before you can inherit their money. The best of you, the ones with the ridiculous shaved hair cuts like this, wearing your man sarong, you make it all worth it. Pretension makes the world go 'round and Williamsburg is like Superman spinning this fucker.

I've got some for Manhattan too. I know that dog costumes are nothing new, but NY's second only to LA in absurd dog gear. It's so adorable to see these pups in their hoodies, pant suits, and bolo ties. But I'm concerned for the evolution of said critters. We humans were also once covered in hair before we started wearing human clothes. If the dog dressers of the world gave two shits about whether their children's children would have little companions with fur they'd stop forcing rover into an evening gown just to go outside and piss. Your descendants are going to wake up to a dog without fur on it's thorax. The bald spot will be in the shape of a tuxedo shirt.

I'm all fired up.