Dear, Doritos
Vincent Averill 124 Boerum st. #4R Brooklyn, NY 11206
Frito-Lay
P.O. Box 660634
Dallas, TX 75266-0634
To Whom It May Concern:
As a life long fan and consumer of your Dorito brand corn chip, I have always been plagued by the effect your product has had on my fingers. It's the cheesing effect that your chips have on my digits, I call it Dorito Fingers tm. As a man of action I have set about an idea that will make your product more attractive to people on the go who can't sacrifice their entire left hand to snacking for the length of time it takes to eat a bag. Just like I was, when you first introduced Cool Ranch, and then what seems like thousands of less successful different flavors, I can understand being skeptical, but before you dispense with this letter, please at least give my idea serious consideration. My thought is, why not include an edible glove inside every bag of your delicious chips? When you open the bag, right there on top is a glove to be worn while eating. Once you've finished, you simply eat the glove off your hand. So fun!! I originally thought why not make the glove out of rock candy!? It proved uncomfortable, and not a good flavor match for the Dorito. Next I had a glove fashioned out of beef jerky, this prototype proved too salty, and expensive. Might as well include an Isotoner at that price. So it looks like the only possible answer is to have the glove that's included in every Dorito, and possibly Cheeto bag (depending on how much you decide to pay me) be made out of pork rind. You guys probably already have pork skins laying around and the skin on skin concept just seems right. For the non-swine eating consumer perhaps a wheat gluten alternative can be offered? I think by this point you must agree my idea is of genius caliber. I mean if you can't wipe that residue off with a napkin alone, I can only imagine what color it makes my liver or wherever food ends up after my mouth. I just don't need to see anymore people given reason to lick their fingers in public. Gross! So do this, send me a check for $40,000 in good faith duckets, and once we've had a chance to talk we can come to an agreement on how many more tens of thousands this bad boy is worth. I've cc'd everyone who reads my website so don't even think about trying to steal this blue ribbon invention. Next I'd like to work with you on finding a P.O. Box with less numbers, I guess everything is Texas is bigger. Sorry, I like to end on a joke, especially when there doesn't seem to be any throughout an entire letter.
Yours truly,
The unofficial mayor of Snackville,
Vince Averill
Frito-Lay
P.O. Box 660634
Dallas, TX 75266-0634
To Whom It May Concern:
As a life long fan and consumer of your Dorito brand corn chip, I have always been plagued by the effect your product has had on my fingers. It's the cheesing effect that your chips have on my digits, I call it Dorito Fingers tm. As a man of action I have set about an idea that will make your product more attractive to people on the go who can't sacrifice their entire left hand to snacking for the length of time it takes to eat a bag. Just like I was, when you first introduced Cool Ranch, and then what seems like thousands of less successful different flavors, I can understand being skeptical, but before you dispense with this letter, please at least give my idea serious consideration. My thought is, why not include an edible glove inside every bag of your delicious chips? When you open the bag, right there on top is a glove to be worn while eating. Once you've finished, you simply eat the glove off your hand. So fun!! I originally thought why not make the glove out of rock candy!? It proved uncomfortable, and not a good flavor match for the Dorito. Next I had a glove fashioned out of beef jerky, this prototype proved too salty, and expensive. Might as well include an Isotoner at that price. So it looks like the only possible answer is to have the glove that's included in every Dorito, and possibly Cheeto bag (depending on how much you decide to pay me) be made out of pork rind. You guys probably already have pork skins laying around and the skin on skin concept just seems right. For the non-swine eating consumer perhaps a wheat gluten alternative can be offered? I think by this point you must agree my idea is of genius caliber. I mean if you can't wipe that residue off with a napkin alone, I can only imagine what color it makes my liver or wherever food ends up after my mouth. I just don't need to see anymore people given reason to lick their fingers in public. Gross! So do this, send me a check for $40,000 in good faith duckets, and once we've had a chance to talk we can come to an agreement on how many more tens of thousands this bad boy is worth. I've cc'd everyone who reads my website so don't even think about trying to steal this blue ribbon invention. Next I'd like to work with you on finding a P.O. Box with less numbers, I guess everything is Texas is bigger. Sorry, I like to end on a joke, especially when there doesn't seem to be any throughout an entire letter.
Yours truly,
The unofficial mayor of Snackville,
Vince Averill
posted by Vince at 12:30 PM
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