Rarebit
Little is known about my 1 month residency in the shit state of Indiana. I did a stint there back around '99 and although I blacked out most of it, there are a few moments worth reliving. The fact of the matter is, as much as folks, especially these "well bred" east coasters want to lump the entire mid-west into one big pile of shit, I cannot allow my home state of Michigan to be separated by mere commas from a gaping sore like Indiana. I'm still trying to get that state geographically moved 2 states south of it's present location, that fucking Clan strong hold of a puss filled wound. Of course I'm speaking generally, and there are no doubt people and places there with which I might get along famously, but for the sake of this, let's use the largest brush they sell.
Some if not all of you have perhaps heard me speak on the topic of Barbering. One of the two times that I have ever had to go home and immediately shave my head after a barber shop visit was when I lived in Indiana. Both of those incidents came at the hands of gentlemen who seemed like they might turn into dust if patted on the back too hard. The guy in Terre Haute was possibly the oldest human I've ever encountered in person. If he wasn't, he must have gone real hard for a lot of years. He was making late era Bob Hope look good. It was a deal where as soon as I walked in I went frantic with how to escape, but then due to a special prescription of guilt my body makes for me, decided to relent and climb into the chair. Now as long as this fossil was going to massacre my head, he at least had the decency to do it with.......a FlowBee. Not familiar? What if I called it a Suck Cut. Nothing? What I'm talking about is hair clippers attached to a vacuum. The result, usually at least, is a very even trim, as all the hair is pulled by the suction, and cut at the same length. This is not normally a tool employed by hair cutting professionals. This is an infomercial item designed for families on a budget who cut their kid's hair in the kitchen. This old timer must have seen the FlowBee and realized it was his professional fountain of youth. With this miracle combination of clipper and sweeper he could cut for another 2,000 years! If that's what he thought, his senile mind was betraying him yet again. Despite the training wheels, my crypt keeper was still able to remove chunks of my hair in such a manner that it left me looking not unlike when Wally cut the Beaver's hair. Still more astonishing is that he only charged me $5.
Oh, and you know what else? In Indiana they don't have a party store, or bodega. You have to go one place for beer, one place for smokes, one place for booze, one place for Funyuns. They also pronounce the "H" before the "W" in the word "What". Overalls and bare feet not optional.
Some if not all of you have perhaps heard me speak on the topic of Barbering. One of the two times that I have ever had to go home and immediately shave my head after a barber shop visit was when I lived in Indiana. Both of those incidents came at the hands of gentlemen who seemed like they might turn into dust if patted on the back too hard. The guy in Terre Haute was possibly the oldest human I've ever encountered in person. If he wasn't, he must have gone real hard for a lot of years. He was making late era Bob Hope look good. It was a deal where as soon as I walked in I went frantic with how to escape, but then due to a special prescription of guilt my body makes for me, decided to relent and climb into the chair. Now as long as this fossil was going to massacre my head, he at least had the decency to do it with.......a FlowBee. Not familiar? What if I called it a Suck Cut. Nothing? What I'm talking about is hair clippers attached to a vacuum. The result, usually at least, is a very even trim, as all the hair is pulled by the suction, and cut at the same length. This is not normally a tool employed by hair cutting professionals. This is an infomercial item designed for families on a budget who cut their kid's hair in the kitchen. This old timer must have seen the FlowBee and realized it was his professional fountain of youth. With this miracle combination of clipper and sweeper he could cut for another 2,000 years! If that's what he thought, his senile mind was betraying him yet again. Despite the training wheels, my crypt keeper was still able to remove chunks of my hair in such a manner that it left me looking not unlike when Wally cut the Beaver's hair. Still more astonishing is that he only charged me $5.
Oh, and you know what else? In Indiana they don't have a party store, or bodega. You have to go one place for beer, one place for smokes, one place for booze, one place for Funyuns. They also pronounce the "H" before the "W" in the word "What". Overalls and bare feet not optional.
posted by Vince at 9:24 AM
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