Flea Market Treasure

Recently while on a visit to a flea market in Queens I stumbled upon a tattered journal. Imagine my surprise when what I found appeared to be the very personal thoughts and writings of one Armand Assante. Let me share with you an entry....

September 10th, 1997

Assante Chronicles entry #211-614

Attended my high school reunion the other day. Man, what a trip. It made playing a tough but sensitive gum shoe in the Demi Moore film 'Striptease' seem easy by comparison. What I mean to say, Armand, as you'll be the only one who ever reads this, because it's being written by 1997 Armand for use exclusively by Armand of the future as a way to look back over your life, and maybe produce a memoir, but we've been through this before, you've got to up the tally on your sexual conquests if you ever want a biography that's going to sell... That 1995 divorce was a move in the right direction. I was not looking forward to the reunion. Cornwall Central High School's Armand is a much different and wildly more famous man today. I've never been to any of the previous reunions, and I fear the paparazzi. Everybody loves me, everybody wants a piece, they can't get enough, the appetite of the American public for Armand Assante cannot be satiated. As soon as I finish production on my new made for TV movie The Odyssey, where by no mistake I play the lead, Odysseus I probably won't even be able to leave the house. For that reason I decided to brave the challenge of what might be my final High School Reunion, at least without a full security staff on hand to protect me from 'Beatlemania' type frenzy that will surround any public appearance I make following the release of my current TV movie The Odyssey.

Because of how important it was to shine in front of my former classmates, none of which have ever met Sylvester Stallone in person, I decided to pull out all the stops. I rented a Ferrari and two call girls. Since the Ferrari is a two seater I thought it would make for greater effect if upon arrival I would have layers of girls exiting the passenger side of the vehicle. It was important for me to maintain a certain appearance so I made sure to look through all the escort service ads in the phone book before choosing from which company I would order my ladies. I'm of Irish and Italian descent, I need some 'Solid Gold' Dancer type chicks.

I'm sad, or at least as sad as I can get without being paid to act as such. The outcome of the evening was not as I'd hoped. I had chosen the single worst reunion to attend. It didn't matter that I had girls on top of girls when I arrived. Princess Diana died a week or so ago, and with all due respect, she wasn't in Judge Dredd, but all these 'never did nothing' former classmates of mine want to talk about is the Princess of Whales! I've smoked cigars with Jack on the set of Hoffa, and brought two relatively hot, mostly in the bodies, not the faces, women to this banquet hall, and I can't even get a request to take a photo? Granted The Odyssey isn't out yet, but c'mon! Nobody wants to know what Antonio Banderas likes to eat before bed? They just want ask the DJ to play the new version of 'Candle in the Wind' again? I even tried to explain my own plight of having been followed by paparazzi that very night while on my way to the reunion. It turned out to be an ice cream truck but these plebeians didn't need to know that.

All in all a total waste. What should have been a night for me to feed my ego and remind me why I spend as much time in the gym and on the tanning bed as I do in scene study, just ended up with me arguing on the phone with my agent while seated in a Yonkers Steak and Shake with escorts who should have never been allowed into a well lit room.

Nicholas Cage has nothing on me,

A.Assante