Briggs and Stratton

Listen, at the risk of being sent to Guantanamo, I suggest you all get an open flame lit between now and Monday, preferably all those days. Once you have it lit, you're going to need to place a food item over top of said flame, and ultimately eat it. Despite what some will tell you it doesn't have to be pork or beef or chicken in order to stave off the treason charge, but that would certainly help. Other signs that you are on board with family values and the memory of those being memorialized include deviled eggs, three legged races, salads of the non-lettuce variety that are served out of buckets, and a watermelon decoratively cut open with its shell now housing balls of several different types of melon, grapes, pineapple, etc. Corn on the Cob, idiots! You can have shrimp but you're pushing it, spinach dip served from the hollowed out carcass of a pumpernickle loaf is for liberals about 360 days a year, but can be served without hesitation this weekend. Trust me, this weekend, do not get caught at the Natural History Museum, watching "Inconvenient Truth", or eating quiche. Nobody died for that bullshit. You been warned!