You guy's got Cheese Burgers?!?!?!
Let's knock the rust off this old girl and put key to screen. I apologize for my absence but to be fair I've been preparing for my six week tour that kicks off next Thursday in Calgary. Well, that and cleaning up the blood that was pouring out of my friend's head and onto my living room floor. The head trauma has very little to do with me not writing, but boy what an image. In fact go tell Mike to pay better attention when he's walking home while out of his mind in the predawn hours.
I regret to inform everyone that I will no longer be selling Can Koozies on the road. The order was delayed and I will now be forced to sell jelly bracelets. Regardless of how I end up whoring myself for money, I will begin the tour diary right here next week. It's a shame that the "Never Stop Porking Me, Hoser" Canadian Tour '07 has already hit such a major setback, but it might be a sign to focus more on the actual comedy. Now there's an idea!
I'm currently accepting bets on how long the newly reformed Van Halen will last on the road. The over under is currently at 3 shows. I'm taking the under. It's pretty obvious that their handlers are making an effort to keep the tour alive longer by starting out in a benign place like North Carolina. It doesn't matter, by the time they finish in Greensboro David Lee Roth is going to have Eddie's chubby little puberty submersed son, who also happens to be the bass player, rubbing his dick in the knee pit (the point where the knee bends) of the bearded lady from the local circus, and using Dannon yogurt as lubricant. The only way this tour can possibly be salvaged is by treating the band members like animals and keeping them caged an separated until releasing them onto the stage at showtime. If Dave and Eddie are allowed to interact for more than 5 minutes off stage, or if Dave is left alone with Eddie's Rosie O'Donnell looking 14 year old son (the fucking bass player?!?!) the tour will be over. Regardless of the fact that DLR was once a paramedic in the Bronx (and this was after he was in Van Halen) the dude is out of his BF'ing mind. Can you imagine having your heart shocked and awake to find the dude with the defibrillator is Diamond Dave, and his face is painted like the cover to "Eat 'em and Smile"?!? There's only one dude who will have no role in whether the tour fails, and that's good old Alex. Alex is only concerned with playing his drum kit that features 37 roto toms, half of which are electronic, and getting high to the point he can never take off his shades because his eyeballs have been replaced by tiki torches.
I regret to inform everyone that I will no longer be selling Can Koozies on the road. The order was delayed and I will now be forced to sell jelly bracelets. Regardless of how I end up whoring myself for money, I will begin the tour diary right here next week. It's a shame that the "Never Stop Porking Me, Hoser" Canadian Tour '07 has already hit such a major setback, but it might be a sign to focus more on the actual comedy. Now there's an idea!
I'm currently accepting bets on how long the newly reformed Van Halen will last on the road. The over under is currently at 3 shows. I'm taking the under. It's pretty obvious that their handlers are making an effort to keep the tour alive longer by starting out in a benign place like North Carolina. It doesn't matter, by the time they finish in Greensboro David Lee Roth is going to have Eddie's chubby little puberty submersed son, who also happens to be the bass player, rubbing his dick in the knee pit (the point where the knee bends) of the bearded lady from the local circus, and using Dannon yogurt as lubricant. The only way this tour can possibly be salvaged is by treating the band members like animals and keeping them caged an separated until releasing them onto the stage at showtime. If Dave and Eddie are allowed to interact for more than 5 minutes off stage, or if Dave is left alone with Eddie's Rosie O'Donnell looking 14 year old son (the fucking bass player?!?!) the tour will be over. Regardless of the fact that DLR was once a paramedic in the Bronx (and this was after he was in Van Halen) the dude is out of his BF'ing mind. Can you imagine having your heart shocked and awake to find the dude with the defibrillator is Diamond Dave, and his face is painted like the cover to "Eat 'em and Smile"?!? There's only one dude who will have no role in whether the tour fails, and that's good old Alex. Alex is only concerned with playing his drum kit that features 37 roto toms, half of which are electronic, and getting high to the point he can never take off his shades because his eyeballs have been replaced by tiki torches.
posted by Vince at 7:03 AM
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